I have to write this quicky….alot to do today.
In short, I was given a huge ultimatum last night. This was a life changing ultimatum.
The sentence went, “either you do, ___, ___, and ___ or I am going to ___!
Question:
Do ultimatums really work?
Why do I feel less motivated now, than before given the ultimatum?
How have you dealt with an ultimatum? I do not know how to handle the issue.
Related articles
- Ultimatums: The Ones You Should Never Give Or Give In To (new102.cbslocal.com)
- Obama’s Electronic Records Ultimatum has Unique Implications for Physical Therapists (prweb.com)
roughseasinthemed
/ August 13, 2012They don’t work with me.
LizEccentric7
/ August 13, 2012@roughseasinthemed – it isn’t working with me, that’s for sure.
kizzylee
/ August 13, 2012they never work with me i cant deal with restrictions and limits and ultimatum is both
i usually respond with oh well i am outta here whenever anyone faces me with that kind of crap 
way i see it is nothing is black and white really people change circumstances change and if anyone gives me this in A a relationship then i am off without saying good bye 
or B work then i am off without saying good bye 
cos if its from someone who says they love me then they is lying and dont love me or they wouldnt have given me such a dire situation and if its work then sheesh i guess i would have to find another job 
only time it would work is if the words were :“either you do, _want all this money__, ___, and _accept this million pounds or I am going to make you accept this million pounds ___! that would work 
have a great evening xx
LizEccentric7
/ August 13, 2012@Kizzylee – it feels restrictive, bossy and threatening. I am an aggressive woman. I do as I wish. I agree with all your points – I do the opposite of the ultimatum. Things are black and white to me.
mystudentstruggles
/ August 13, 2012Ultimatums are too pressurising and suggest the person giving them doesn’t give a flying ****. Of course, it probably depends on the situation but it’d envoke panic and anxiety – not good things to increase motivation at all
LizEccentric7
/ August 13, 2012@mustudentstruggles – exactly! Now, I fear so much that I am panicked. Panic and fear tend to stop action (for me). I can’t live my life based on another persons expectations. I have my own goals….Should I follow their goals? Or they are leaving my life?
What about my goals? Are they not important too?
mystudentstruggles
/ August 14, 2012Of course your goals are important! Compromise is one thing but no one should ask you to completely leave behind your dreams and goals. Hope whatever it is works out for you (I keep wanting to say ‘chin up’ – is that too British?)
LizEccentric7
/ August 14, 2012@mystudentstruggles – I love the word “chin up.” I also love the way people say, “hi, love.” or “goodbye, love. I guess at times goals and dreams do not match with your partner. Makes life a bit on the stressful side. How could a person be too British? (I am sure you know) most Americans are derived from England, as they settled here. Well, the indian tribes were here first..well, as is written in the history books (per my previous post in “Are Truths Self-Evident.”) Sometimes history books are scued based on beliefs. Who knows who really settled here in America first? The history books do not tell the whole story…not facts, just theories.
They claim to be factual, but I don’t believe everything I read in the history books. The heritage from England makes our culture rich and interesting. 
mystudentstruggles
/ August 14, 2012I’ve heard it said that America is country of immigrants. Would definitely make it a great cultural place
History books tell history from the perspective of that country – very political.
There’s a brilliant comedy sketch thing that came to mind, but I can’t remember the name of it or who did it (though it could’ve been Victoria Wood) so I can’t give you the link and the not knowing will annoy me all night 
‘Love’, ‘Dear’, ‘Duck’, used depending on whereabouts in the country you are
LizEccentric7
/ August 14, 2012@mystudentstruggles – you and I have much in common. I think –you and I both think a whole lot. We should start our own blog and call it, “we think.”
LoL
mystudentstruggles
/ August 15, 2012Haha, I definitely think I think too much, my brain can’t catch a break
lol
LizEccentric7
/ August 15, 2012@mystudentstruggles – mine either.
penevethyst
/ August 13, 2012My philosophy regarding ultimatums has always been the one that makes me choose doesn’t get chosen. I find them incredibly disrespectful and childish. If someone actually desires a change there are other ways to go about asking for it, an ultimatum is the worst way. Also, if someone gives in once to an ultimatum then validates that as a viable option to get what one wants.
Best of luck and well wishes.Let us know how it turns out.
LizEccentric7
/ August 13, 2012@penevethyst – I agree. I wish the person could have discussed the issues in a more adult manner. Threats are the worst way to get what a person really wants….childish. What am I to do? Left with little options…that’s life.
rahardesty
/ August 13, 2012I am sorry you had to deal with that! I think there are two types of ultimatums: The first is as a last resort where the person giving the ultimatum has tried every form of communication and is now saying that he or she cannot continue without you doing something; the second is an immature attempt to bypass adult things such as compromise and actual communication. If it is the first case, I think you have to evaluate whether doing whatever this person wants you to do is worth it. If it is the second, this person is not worth your time and energy. If the “I am going to…” is a threat of violence or some sort of harm, I would try to get out of the situation safely and avoid that person at all costs. Overall I agree with @penevethyst. Take care of yourself and good wishes!
LizEccentric7
/ August 13, 2012@rahardesty – that’s the problem. This was the first time I even knew there was a problem. I was shocked….never knew there was a problem, till last night…now, I don’t know what to do…I don’t trust that person now. Too much secrecy…How can I be given such an ultimatum If I never knew there was a problem?
Ugh
rahardesty
/ August 13, 2012Exactly. This person sounds kind of unstable or unable to communicate effectively. I think you are right to be questioning. Trust your gut. I am sorry this is happening
LizEccentric7
/ August 14, 2012@rahardesty – definitely cannot communicate, it’s hard and sad
mrsdeboots
/ August 13, 2012Old tomatoes as I call them rarely work. Change, whatever the case may be, entails a choice to change. The ex- husband was a big fan, as he was a manager, and felt he was entitled to review my work performance and hand out old tomatoes….and I chose to divorce him.
LizEccentric7
/ August 13, 2012@mrsdeboots – I understand that situation. Same here. I just wish I knew there was a problem months ago…I am left with choices to make..and no time to plan. I am a planner and the ultimatum leaves me with little room to choose. I like having a voice and a right to choose.
No choices limits freedoms…that solves nothing, I think. So, am I to do the expectations? I don’t know…a lot to take in at once. Too much…
mrsdeboots
/ August 14, 2012Never do anything that may leave you bitter..old tomatoes (ultimatums) create eventual bitterness.
Love and bitter do NOT go well together, in my experience anyway. Good luck.
LizEccentric7
/ August 14, 2012@mrsdeboots – Great advice. Do you have an advice column on your website? Please start one, you are good at giving advice and not sounding bossy. You seem very wise and nice. Well, what if they are things I should be doing anyway though? That is my dilemma. They truly are things I should do..that normal people do, but I am not normal, never have been, never will be…thus the Eccentric website name.
mrsdeboots
/ August 14, 2012But are they things that are just ‘you’? I’m prone to dramatic fits. That’s me. Should I change it? Just to fit with some person/ job/ group? The people that truly love Camille deal with me, and for that I tone it down..a little. I’m a unique individual, and as a fellow unique individual, its about finding something or someone that makes you want to tone it down, not because they demanded it, but because you love them or the job is awesome or whatever.
Thanks for the compliment! I’ve never really thought of doing advice
LizEccentric7
/ August 14, 2012@mrsdeboots – here is the issue: I am a night owl. I general will work 3rd shift jobs. Love the night. I sleep till around 2 and up all night. I have been feverishly looking for a good job in my area because I was laid off. Found nothing worth doing.
I am going to have to work in the nearby city which is so much traffic, whole paycheck goes to gas, or I am going to have to move altogether. My background is in construction in title work and contract administration. I am a “seal the deal” person for construction companies. I need to move where the construction is booming right now.
The night owl bugs him, blogging bugs him, no job, blah, blah…. what doesn’t bug him? I need to say well you…..fifty items that aggravate me. I don’t because it’s childish and causes low self-esteem.
I am trying to find a good job. Refuse to go just anywhere, it has to be a good fit. He hasn’t been treating me the best anyway (not speaking) so I am less motivated.
I don’t take kindly to people being silent or playing games- a bit ridiculous.
You should start your own column!
John
/ August 14, 2012They are inflamatory and never work. The wife and I were just talking about this earlier.
LizEccentric7
/ August 14, 2012@john – now I feel like doing the opposite of what I was told I had to do….like a rebellious teen.
wellcallmecrazy
/ August 14, 2012Sadly, I think ultimatums DO work…..they are very effective at creating fear and dread. Are they healthy? I think not. Are they useful for creating harmony, love, and community? I think not. I really enjoyed your blog.
LizEccentric7
/ August 14, 2012@wellcallmecrazy….sadly, the ultimatum discussion has been our last since last night, haven’t spoken today.
The ultimatum is sounding more and more like a decision to me. A decision placing a ton of blame on me.
It takes two people to make a relationship work…refuse to take on all the blame. So, I plan to move ahead with my own dreams and plans.
Love to me if not reciprocated falls like rain…falls and dries quickly. Then, when you least expect it, the rain waters a seed…a new love begins, and lasts until another icey winter comes along.
Rather love and hurt, than to never have loved at all.
Glad you are enjoying eccentric.
theclaustrophobicintrovert
/ August 14, 2012Ultimatums are HORRIBLE for me – they are the essence of someone else trying to control me, which I despise. So when I am given an ultimatum, I tend to drag around until the very last minute – and then if I decide the outcome is important enough, I do whatever I can to achieve the positive outcome.
LizEccentric7
/ August 14, 2012@thecaustrophobicintrovert – welcome to eccentric! Thank you for joining the discussion. I agree, it feels like a form of control. Liz and control do not go together. That is for sure. I may be a small and petite woman, but I sure act like I am 6 foot 5″ tall and bullet proof!
Small doesn’t equal weak. Why can’t people understand that?
bossymoksie
/ August 22, 2012OMG- I’ve never thought about a woman getting an ultimatum! Usually we are giving them LOL!
Is there an update? Were you able to talk to him about it or is the ultimatum the final word? They are threatening and intimidating, and usually turn people off.
LizEccentric7
/ August 22, 2012No update…things are not better. Just silence. Fine with me, does me a favor.
jfox1221
/ October 15, 2012Liz- you have a 30 day Ultimatum on your blog.
“You have 30 days to stop playing games and sending mixed emotions, after the 30 days, you will be out of my life forever”…
Sounds like you two have alot in common.
lizeccentric7
/ October 15, 2012Oh yea, I do…i would say we do have something in common! At least one thing.
While we are on the subject mixed signals get on my nerves so bad.
You know the people who like you one day but don’t the next, people who talk to you one day, but won’t talk to you the next day. Think giving out mixed signals which is what’s on the sidebar is an awful thing to do to someone.
Giving out mixed signals and withholding of love almost as a form of “punishment” borders on emotional abuse in my mind, and there are people in my life who do this, but they will soon be out of my life.
Went on a rant there, it’s just people need to decide to be in my life or not, and not drive me nuts with one foot in the door and one foot out the door.